Mammo Day...

Guh... a long over-due one.

I was explaining to a friend about why I was freaking out about today's boobie smash. I'm start to come to terms with the fact that I haven't dealt with any of it. I'm still stuck in Limbo and I'm still feeling lost.

This is what I told her, I hope she doesn't mind.


Thanks. I can use the prayers. I'm not going to fret about it or try to. I mean, if there is something there, we'll just deal with it. I'm just ready to move forward. I feel like I've been living in Limbo. As I was finishing up treatment, my dad got sick and died later that year. So, even though I got through that, the last year and a half since he died, I've completely just shut down. I mean, I'm ok.... but I've not dealt with any of it, my illness, his and his death. I need to let it go, so I hope and pray I don't have to deal with it again. It would really suck. Ack. I don't want to unload on you. But I'll be ok.

So,  that's where I am right now. I'm trying to keep my mind off the day and I hope it all goes well. I really want to put it behind me. I need to find someone to talk to as well. I have all things worries, fears and feelings that I need to express and I should find someone who has been there and can help me.

I'd like to be able to dream again. I want to find a way to have a family with David. I want to find our dream home, life a lifetime together and not live my life so anxious, so scared, so worried. I want to find my faith again. It's time to find my way back again to who I was before the Breast Cancer. I want to be more than the sum of my fears, worries and anxieties. I want to travel, be healthy, happy and live a long life.

And I pray that will be what comes next for me. So, if you read this, please do the same.