Mammo Day...

Guh... a long over-due one.

I was explaining to a friend about why I was freaking out about today's boobie smash. I'm start to come to terms with the fact that I haven't dealt with any of it. I'm still stuck in Limbo and I'm still feeling lost.

This is what I told her, I hope she doesn't mind.


Thanks. I can use the prayers. I'm not going to fret about it or try to. I mean, if there is something there, we'll just deal with it. I'm just ready to move forward. I feel like I've been living in Limbo. As I was finishing up treatment, my dad got sick and died later that year. So, even though I got through that, the last year and a half since he died, I've completely just shut down. I mean, I'm ok.... but I've not dealt with any of it, my illness, his and his death. I need to let it go, so I hope and pray I don't have to deal with it again. It would really suck. Ack. I don't want to unload on you. But I'll be ok.

So,  that's where I am right now. I'm trying to keep my mind off the day and I hope it all goes well. I really want to put it behind me. I need to find someone to talk to as well. I have all things worries, fears and feelings that I need to express and I should find someone who has been there and can help me.

I'd like to be able to dream again. I want to find a way to have a family with David. I want to find our dream home, life a lifetime together and not live my life so anxious, so scared, so worried. I want to find my faith again. It's time to find my way back again to who I was before the Breast Cancer. I want to be more than the sum of my fears, worries and anxieties. I want to travel, be healthy, happy and live a long life.

And I pray that will be what comes next for me. So, if you read this, please do the same.

Introducing, Luna Blue...

Gosh, it's been quite some time since I've made a blog post. I go back and forth with deciding what blogs I'm going to keep up with, what I'm going to write about and if I can find some actual motivation to write again. I miss writing.

So... a lot has happened since my last post and not a lot at the same time. Don't quite feel like putting it all into words just yet, so in the meantime here's the latest news. We have a new furbaby.
David needs a cat. I'm allergic. We've been pondering a solution. We settled on a Russian Blue kitten, based upon some speculation that they are good for people with mild-to-moderate allergies. I don't know where my cat allergies fall onto the allergy spectrum. I've never had a cat and there have been cats that I've been ok around and others I can't be around. Luna seems to be one I'm ok with, but I worry too much. We're in the midst of Fall Allergy Hell and my allergies are flaring as it is, so bringing in a cat right now is huge wait and see.

However, I am in love with her. And she isn't going anywhere.

She is afraid of the dogs and they are curious about her. I hope we have a happy interspecies family soon though. I have high hopes it will all work out.

She is the smartest cat I've ever encountered. She's more beautiful than I ever expected and she's just really cool. Very smart, curious and fearless. She is a ball of energy and just precious.

UPDATE:

Luna Blue is amazing. She's best friends with Iggy. Since I posted this, we've lost Pepper to the Rainbow Bridge but they became friends as well. She loved jumping at his tail and he seemed to like her. They even snuggled together in bed. These are her kitten photos up through the most recent picture of her in her walking dress on the sofa. She travels with us, goes for walks, hangs out in the yard and fits well into our little family.

I Am Loved

I didn't link to the band's version , while it was cool, the imagery was a bit disturbing. 

I was sitting here tonight trying to journal, an upset stomach and a mild bit of anxiety about it, woke me. As I sat here at my desk listening to music, "Someday You Will Be Loved" played on iTunes and I had to write this entry. I hadn't heard it in a long time, but yes, it truly happened to me. I am loved.

This song came out at a time when my heart was broken and aching for someone I thought was meant to be more to me than he was. Now, of course, I realize that my heart was meant to be broken then, that I had to let go of a man not meant to be in my life so that I could be open and ready for the man who would be there for me wholly, fully and freely. Someone who could love me unconditionally. Of course, I did not know what "plans" lay ahead for me. I have all sorts of feelings about how we came to be together, but as I struggle with faith and belief, I'm not going to say more about that now.

When I felt my world had ended, that my heart would never heal the pain of being rejected, unwanted and unloved, I remember hearing this song and feeling some kind of peace wash over me. It was perfect and the lyrics paraphrased some of what was said to me as that relationship came to its end. I think it took about three years till the right man came into my life and I knew why I had to live through that heartache and pain, so that I could be ready for my heart to be full and loved by David.

David and I celebrated our second anniversary a few weeks ago. We didn't tell anyone where we went. We were at an "Undisclosed Location" so that we could have a quiet time, all alone. We hid out in Albuquerque. We stayed three nights at the Hotel Andaluz and it was a lovely getaway. We ate at Scalo on our anniversary and another night at Sadie's. I love the salsa, but the chile not so much. It reminds me of Tomasita's chile. We played tourist on the 13th. It was the 3rd month anniversary of my dad's death and we found ourselves at the San Felipe Church on Old Town Plaza. Our first morning we at breakfast at the Frontier, and then we drove around UNM. We couldn't help but be surprised by all the changes. The memories of Greek Life are still strong within us-- we never hung out in college-- even though we lived on the same street at the same time. But Greek Row has changed. So many houses torn down. We were looking to find the Kappa Sigma house, if there is one. The empty space that once was the Zeta house was sad.

We drove around a few neighborhoods we loved when we were in school. We shopped at ABQ Uptown and talked about maybe living in Albuquerque one day. We have so many balls in the air, so many hopes and dreams and plans.

We've gone through a lot in the first two years of marriage. I certainly don't want to have to look back and face what we've faced together already.  I really pray that it is far behind us. I pray we find a bit of peace this year and that our second year of marriage brings us some joy. Despite all that we've faced, we have always found a bit of sunshine peeking through the darkness. While some days the sun is dim, it is still there managing to shine for us. I hope no matter what roads we travel together in the future, we continue to be as strong as we are right now, that we love as deeply, if not more and that we travel the roads no matter how rocky or smooth together.

TODAY! TWO YEARS AGO

We got married and tied the knot, thereby promising to spend the rest of our lives together.  

It was a beautiful day.

A slide show of photographs of our house in Jemez Springs.

Home Sweet Home

We're selling David's house. We had it listed briefly last year with an agent that ended up disappointing us. So, for the short term, we're going to sell it on our own. I am a real estate broker, granted my license is inactive, but I do know how to sell a house. I'll work with a buyer's broker and may in fact try to get the house listed in MLS, so that it will be in the system.

It will officially be actively on the market next week, as there are no signs or information handy but I'm including this blog link so it's easy for me to find when I want to update it.

I'm silly that way. Casa de Jemez House

If you have $185,000 handy, come check it out. If you know someone looking for a second home or a full-time home in the Jemez Springs area, let us know. It's an about a 40 minute commute to both Rio Rancho and Los Alamos.

On This Day of Thanksgiving...

My mind is full of thoughts. What I’m about to say may not be popular or even pleasant, but I’m still grieving and feeling raw right now. I’m not big on Thanksgiving as a rule. In our daily lives, we should always give Thanks for what we have. Whether or not we believe in God or a being greater than ourselves, we should always recognize the good things in our lives—our blessings—our loved ones, our talents, our treasures, our health or whatever we hold dear. We must be thankful for those things. We should treat everyone with honor and respect and look out for those who aren’t as fortunate.

Lately, maybe I am more conscious of what I am thankful for and more aware of the blessings all around me. I have a loving husband who has been kind, compassionate, loving and willing to sacrifice so much of his time to help me, my mother and my father as he was ailing. David didn’t have to do what he did for us, but he did so out of love and respect. He’s a treasure and a blessing I will always cherish and thank him for being part of our lives. I don’t need a day on the calendar to tell him this. Nor anyone else. I try to be mindful of these things, but I fail. Maybe that is why “Thanksgiving Day” exists. So, perhaps it is a good thing.

It goes without saying how blessed and thankful I am for my parents. They have taught me how to love, provided me with a good home, values and morals. The lessons they taught me have shaped me; and I hope, have molded me into a decent human being. They gave me a solid faith and belief in God. And I try to remember these lessons daily even though I often fail.

As I watched my dad’s health fail this year, I learned more about myself than I thought possible. I also think I managed to find patience. Sometimes, my dad wasn’t easy to get along with. He had a strong personality. We fought like cats and dogs, we spared verbally, not always using PG language, but we always made up. We also loved and adored each other. He was truly my best friend. We did so much together and when a day went by that we didn’t see or talk to one another, one of us called to check on the other.

When we knew he wasn’t going to get well and that his days on this Earth were fewer and fewer, we rallied behind him and did everything we could to make sure he was happy, comfortable and loved. My  extended family pitched in with visits, bringing meals or just being there for my mom and me. My aunts and uncles were a blessing. They visited him, offered my mom their support, took her to run errands or stayed with Dad so she could take a break. His friends came to see him, prayed with him and prayed for him; my uncle faithfully brought him the Eucharist and cousins came to help. My own friends did what they could to make life easier for us. I’m grateful to the hospice and the caregivers my dad had in the last few weeks of his life. I’m thankful for his doctor who did his best to treat him even knowing it was a longshot.

Nothing about Dad’s dying was or is easy. There are bitter feelings; there is anger and resentment. These feelings will dissipate with time, but for the moment, nothing can ease the pain. Friends, family and co-workers have paid their respects and honored my father in many ways, and I will always be grateful and thankful for that. Some came to the funeral home for the visitation; some stayed for the rosary and some sent cards. Many offered condolences, paid for Masses or sent flowers. I hope some donated money in his name. Many others came to Dad’s Funeral Mass and I will remember the faces of those who were there. I don’t need to see a name in a guestbook to know who came. Each and every one of you will forever be in my memory. I am thankful to those, especially my non-religious/non-Catholic friends and family, who came to his funeral out of respect. That is what mattered. I will never forget you, as I will never forget looking around the church for faces that should have been there and were not there-- no apologies or excuses given for their absence. That sting will lessen in time, but it does hurt. I am so thankful for the many messages of condolences I received. And sadly, I’ll remember waiting for the messages that never came. It’s too late for apologies or sympathies. I don’t mean to be bitter and harbor resent because in the end, all that mattered was my father and the people who loved him, respected him and cared for him were there for him yesterday. We laughed, we cried and we remembered him. And in the end, it was for him we celebrated his life—in a way that honored him with our traditions and our faith.